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Anna Denisch

~ Renaissance Woman

Anna Denisch

Tag Archives: personal

Surface Stereotyping Syndrome and the Catch 22

22 Monday Jun 2020

Posted by amdenisch in Uncategorized

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personal, stereotype

Here’s the rundown: My mom and I used to hang out a lot more. It was inevitable, we did live together. But then she moved out (yay low rent from living in your mom’s old house) and we didn’t see each other as often (boo mom now living an hour away). But another interesting thing happened. 

I stopped feeling like I was constantly being judged.

And I know what you’re thinking: wow, her mom judged her a lot. But that’s not what happened here. My mom judged me the normal amount a mom judges their daughter as a form of self-projection. Probably less so since she actually let me continue doing the things she deemed not worthy. But the reason I felt less judged really had nothing to do with what my mom thought about me. It had everything to do with what she thought about other people.

If you know my mom, or get to know her, you’ll find that she is one of the kindest, most caring people in the world. I say this because it’s important to me that you all know that everyone is human, and my mom is no different. 

My mom has what I like to call ‘surface stereotyping syndrome’. For example, she does not actually believe that girls can’t like, or shouldn’t like, Star Wars. She has a daughter that was obsessed with them for goodness sake. But on the surface, she’ll default to Star Wars = Boys. A prime example: We were watching one of those shows, where the contestant had X amount of time to run around and grab as many toys or whatever they wanted and they got to keep it all for Christmas gifts. The woman with the cart ran straight for the Star Wars aisle and started piling up everything. I had no reaction to this. My mom said, “Oh, she must have boys.”

You see? It’s not that she doesn’t believe girls don’t like Star Wars, she just relies on stereotypes, judges things based on them; probably something she got from her own mother. Had I been a child or pre-teen instead of the completely well-adjusted adult I am today, I might have heard that and thought that girls couldn’t like Star Wars because ‘she must have boys’. SSS is a dangerous pit. 

But SSS is deeper than that. SSS is also the tendency to judge (and openly judge) other people, especially if you’re with your friends. Humans are social creatures, and, by definition, are all xenophobes. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s natural. It’s always ‘us vs. them’. What does matter is how you define ‘us’ and how you define ‘them’. And how willing you are to let ‘them’ become ‘us’.

But enough theoretical mumbo jumbo let me explain with an actual real-life thing that happened.

My mom and I pull up to J.C. Penny. She parks the car and we wait for a moment, drinking some refreshing water and getting ready to face another store. It’s not Black Friday or anything, we’re just champion shoppers. 

Two women walk out of the store. They are tall, thin, with gorgeous hair. (I remember because it was windy but even blown around the hair looks amazing. I kind of want to ask them what hair products they use and if I can steal it from them). They look like they could be in a magazine for beauty. 

My mom sees them as well. With a mocking little voice she says, “Oh look at us, pretty girls with our little Sephora bags.” Then we get out of the car and go to buy things at Sephora.

I wish you knew my mom so you wouldn’t be reading this going, “Wow, what a bitch.”

But that’s SSS for ya. These two women had done and said nothing to us. They probably didn’t even know we were looking at them. For all we knew they could have been literal saints. But as far as my mom could tell, they were the ‘them’. They were the skinny, beautiful, conventionally attractive women that made life difficult for us and our thunder thighs. 

These women did nothing but had been surfacely stereotyped. Stereotyped because they looked the way they did, surfacely because for all we know they were probably really nice and had just gone to get more of whatever magnificent hair gel kept them shiny and strong in the wind. 

This is the reason I felt horribly judged all the time. Not by my mom, but by everyone else. I realized that most of the people I knew suffered from SSS. (Or actually really were just bitches). I started paying attention, listening and observing the conversations of those I hung out with. 90% of the time there was at least one judgement passed on a complete stranger. 

Humans have this weird tendency, I’ve noticed, to think everyone thinks like them. Not to say anything about opinions of course. We all know everyone is different. But we think that humans are also incredibly similar. You may think this form of judgement comes from an “everyone judges me so I’ll judge them back” but it’s the opposite. What your brain is really processing is “I judge everyone, so everyone judges me”.

And most of the time, you judge everyone because everyone around you does.

Catch 22 anyone?

Once I stopped living with my mother, and I stopped hanging out with my one best friend, I was lonely. It’s hard not to be. But I was also happier. I no longer felt like simply existing gave reason to judge. I wasn’t afraid of simply being in the world anymore. (Granted there were still a lot of things I could do that would get me judged, but that’s anxiety for ya). I realized that being around other people who were judging made me see the world in one way: Full of people who judge. 

But I don’t judge people out in the wild. Until this freedom I thought I was the only one. Because so many people I knew suffered from SSS. But I hung out more with people that didn’t. And we were too busy talking and having fun to notice anyone else, let alone have the time or thought to judge them. And I started to realize, hey, everyone else in this restaurant probably is also too busy to judge. Somehow, my mom and old friends had become ‘them’. 

Nobody likes to be told they stereotype. But that’s just the way human brains process information. There is nothing inherently wrong with it, as long as you don’t hold your stereotypes to be true, and as long as you don’t hurt someone by having them. 

If you do have to continue to be around sufferers of SSS, the number one way to keep their habits out of your ‘truths of the universe’ is to call them out on it. I did this with the game show.

“Oh, she must have boys.”

“Or girls that like Star Wars.”

My mom nods and agrees. I win.

I did not do this with the women at Sephora. Probably because we were in public, and I wasn’t sure how amenable to the ‘super models can be saints, too’ argument my mom would be. 

Let’s take another example under wing, for fun. 

Assume you are an artist. You genuinely hate every piece of art made by every other artist. (I don’t know, maybe you have a superiority complex). I can almost guarantee you you will never accept a compliment from another artist. Especially if you’ve lied about liking their stuff before. You hate all of their art, therefore they all hate your art. You are the solo ‘us’ and the other artists are the ‘them’. 

I have seen this happen in real life. A few times actually. Surface Stereotype Syndrome is a deep pit. It’s hard to climb out of, especially because the pit grows with the more people you have in it. 

We assume humans think the way we think, because we are also humans. It’s not true. But knowing this is a problem can help you fix how you feel about yourself. I do not judge, therefore no one judges me. 

Block Scheduling: It’s Not Just for Dentists

31 Tuesday Mar 2020

Posted by amdenisch in Uncategorized

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A bit of history on the title, first:

My mom is the business manager for a dentist. Nearly a year ago they set up a system to help them maximize profits. They had their schedule set up in blocks. The early morning was reserved for easy, non-drill procedures, the afternoons for new patients and high-cost production. This alleviated full days full on low-cost appointments. It was a system that helped them make more money, and it’s a system I put in place to help with both my writing and everyday life.

Block scheduling. 

If you’ve been following along since day one (or went back and read the first blog post of mine), you’ll know by now that I have ADD. And even though the medicine makes life exponentially better, there’s still some issues. I have a lot of habits I picked up to deal with/give-into the problem that I now need extra work on to fix. 

What that means is I’m really bad at doing things and now there’s no excuse. 

I still have a tendency towards laziness because my unmedicated brain needed it and now I’m just used to it. Whereas before it was a necessity, now it’s a choice. And it’s one that I’m working on every day to change. And block scheduling has really helped.

The wonderful thing about block scheduling is that it’s super easy to customize and personalize to fit your lifestyle, needs, and activities. Science tells us that the ‘average brain’ (as if there’s such a thing) can only focus for two hour intervals before it needs a break. (Someone ought to let schools in on this knowledge). But each person is unique, and so your ‘focus’ time may be different. You could last as long as three hours or as little as ten minutes. But that’s what’s great about block scheduling. You get to create the sizes of the blocks.

Let me show you what mine currently looks like:

Morning:
-Up between 8-8:30
-Breakfast and phone games (I have a lot). Done by 9
-Clean up or work until 10
-Hyperfixation time til 11
-Clean up or work until 12

Afternoon:
-Take medicine around 12 or 1
-Hyperfixate until hungry/1
-Lunch and phone games. Done by 2
-Clean up or work until 4
-Hyperfixate until hungry/7
-Whatever the heck until bed around 10/11 (It takes me a solid hour to fall asleep)

Do you see how much wiggle room I even gave myself? That’s the other joy of block scheduling. There’s always room for that last-minute emergency patient that just has to be seen at 10, or that 45-minute drill procedure that ended up taking an hour. The walls of your blocks aren’t stiff and straight. They’re flexible. They’re more like rolls of clay you can smoosh about day by day as you need. 

Here’s the thing I’ve noticed about schedules. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. 

I hate ‘em.

I can’t tell you why, but the very concept of a ‘routine’ makes me want to die. Doing the same thing every day for all of eternity is torture. And that hasn’t changed with the medication, I’m pretty sure that’s just a part of my personality. 

But this is…routine without routine. That’s a thing. By creating blocks for myself that I can stretch and smoosh as I please, I’m making space for getting things done, while also allowing the freedom to do what I want as the fancy strikes me. 

From 9-10 I have to clean or work. But I can choose what I want to do. One day I might do the dishes and clean the counters. The next I might work on some writing. Maybe I’ll apply to more freelance jobs (I am for hire. Call me). Or maybe, like today, I’ll start on a blog post because it’s been a while since the last one and I’ll be so into it that it’s now 10:38 and I’m still working. 

Block scheduling is mainly there to get me to do something on days when I want to do nothing. I even consider proper human socialization as work (of course, with our current need for social distancing) so I might spend that hour skyping with a friend or talking with my roommate. Anything that accentuates my well-being or gets my work done belongs in those squares. And I’m free to mix and match as I please. 

Of course, if you’re one of those people that loves schedule and routines (who may be an alien I’m still figuring that out), then you can make this schedule as tight and rigid as you’d like. You might have it set up so that from 9-10 you write, and nothing else. You might even go so far as to break that block into smaller blocks and say from 9-9:30 you work on one project and from 9:30-10 you work on the other. Or you might just say from 9-11 you’ll write and just work on whatever the inspiration is for that day. 

It doesn’t matter. There’s no wrong way to do a block schedule. 

Okay. That’s not completely true because there is a sort of…hypocriticalness that falls into the schedule. But I promise you it’s one that’s actually good for you.

For those of you who don’t know, people with ADD and its variants have these things called hyperfixations. Others get them too, but with the brain of chaos, it’s a lot more intense, and can actually last months if not years. Having one of these is torture. Because literally all your brain can focus on is that thing. It can be a show, a game, a book, your cat, a new friend. Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that’s all your brain wants and doing anything not related to that is akin to being tortured for information, only you don’t actually know what it is they want to know. 

I don’t recommend it. 

As I said before, medication has helped a lot. But there’s still that intense need and desire that pops up when something new and good shows up that makes my brain do the ahhhh and makes doing anything else really hard. Not impossible, but difficult. 

So, the point. 

In my schedule you’ll see I’ve carved out time for my current hyperfixation. If you’re between fixations right now, or simply don’t get them, you might fill this in with whatever free time/relaxation activity you enjoy, be it reading, sewing, or making chairs from toothpicks. Whatever it may be. 

I use my hyperfixation (currently Animal Crossing, big surprise, I know) to get my work done. I essentially hold it hostage. This is where the ‘doing it wrong’ part can occur. 

If I take, as I am now, an hour of my fixation time to finish work, I haven’t really done anything wrong. All work and no play may make Jack a dull boy, but stopping the workflow you’ve got going on to play makes you a little crazy and is not conducive to a good work-ethic. 

However, let’s say your current fixation is a T.V. show. It’s got those hour long episodes that are really 45 minutes long. It’s 10. You start an episode. It’s now 10:50 (maybe you took a pee or snack break). The episode is over. You have 10 minutes until you’re supposed to be cleaning or working. You think ‘it’s okay. I can just start the first bit of the episode. I’ll totally stop at 10.’

Next thing you know it’s midnight and you’ve done nothing all day. A great deal of this requires you actually stopping the thing you want to do to do the thing you need to do. A lot easier, for me, with medication, but still hard. 

Another way you might break the system is by not doing the thing you want to do until it’s time, but not doing anything else. I haven’t really been super productive one day if I sat around doing nothing from 9-10 just waiting until I’m allowed to play. I only get to play/rest if I’ve actually done something. 

Of course, flexibility is still a factor. 

As example: I painted some of my kitchen cabinets the other day. As you can imagine, my muscles were pretty much dead for a while. (Still kind of are). This means my work and clean times were considerably shorter and less intense, because I was recovering. 

The thing about block scheduling is changing it up as you need to fit what’s going on. It provides enough structure and routine to help you get things done, but it allows for enough change that you don’t feel bogged down by certain tasks or stuck in a rut. And you can even have different schedules for different days (particularly useful for if you’re in college). 

But I’m not going to lie and pretend like this isn’t easier for me to pull off because I have no kids and work from home even when there’s not a mandate to do so. But it can still work, for everyone.

If you do have kids, a lot of your schedule is going to revolve around their own. But fret not! There’s still time in the day for relaxing. In fact, there’s lots of ways to unwind and relax with your kids. Play a board game with them, watch a movie together. Read to them. If they’re older maybe they can share an island with you in Animal Crossing. If they don’t need any help with their homework, take that half-hour (in an ideal world right?) off and put your feet up for a bit. 

And this schedule can help with work too. (I assume, anyway, I haven’t been able to actually try it out). With most jobs you have a list of things you need to do, either projects to complete or daily tasks to repeat. Schedule them out. If you have to re-fold shirts, take note of the time and do it every hour. Schedule in your own mini-breaks to get some water or go for a quick walk. The work day is, unfortunately, not conducive to actually getting work done. But you can still take control and set up blocks for yourself to keep focused and productive. 

I’ve been at this schedule for about three weeks now, and it’s worked. I haven’t gotten a lot of writing done, but that’s for an entirely different reason. I’ve been keeping up on cleaning, painting cabinets, and getting in the hyperfixation fix! 

So give it a try. Flex and mold as you see fit. You may be surprised by how un-routine your new routine feels!

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